How to stop a dark lord
by era-romance
Summary: Infant Harry stops a dark lord in his tracks...chaos ensues!
1. Stopping Voldemort

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter._**

 ** _Do note that this is part 1 of a trilogy. Please Review :)_**

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Lucius POV

It was a dark, quiet night in Godric's Hollow. A completely ordinary night in a slightly unusual village. If not for the fact it was Halloween, the muggle perversion of the magical world's most sacred night, Samhain, the little village would be at best, boring.

It was just before 11pm when several loud cracks broke the silence, three men appearing one of the villages most unpopulated streets.

"Where issss it Wormtail," the man in center, tallest of the three, hissed. The man might have been handsome once, before his skin turned pale vomit green and his dark locks had fallen out. Riddle always regretted the stupid ritual he'd performed in his late twenties that had merged himself and his serpent familiar...his beautiful face, perfect skin, and luscious dark hair all ruined by the folly of using a ritual the old goat-f*ker had mentioned in one of his Transfiguration lessons as a boy. That it had been a lecture on what NOT to do to become an animugus was completely irrelevant to the serpentine Dark Lord.

"Right there milord," the man, if he could be called that, on the Dark Lord's left said, sniveling as he pointed a shaking finger at what looked to be an empty space.

The aristocratic blond standing on the other side of the Snake-faced being scoffed, wondering to himself how he'd ever become involved with the idiotic crowd he now hung around.

Lucius Malfoy, at age 26, had spent the majority of his youth - when not in school - at his family home in Southern France where muggle nude beaches, beach bunnies, and surfing were his main interests...he was, at his core, a total dude.

Then he remembered with an internal grimance - his father, Abraxas, signed that damn contract bethrothing him to that infernal bitch Narcissia, imperio-ing him to go through with it. Not to mention the number of compulsions and bindings that had been placed on him to stop him from leaving in any way (including suicide).

And then he was imperio'd and compulsed again on his 'wedding night' (shudder). And again to face his father's old friend from school (aka the snake faced bastard to his right) to join the cause: getting rid the world's 'muggle filth' and 'magic theives' (ie muggleborn...not that he actually believed any of the sh*t his family sprouted). And again when Narcissia didn't conceive and again and again and again...you get get the idea.

Even after the old bastard finally died of 'heart failure' 3 months ago (thank you Dobby!), he still couldn't get free because of his bitch wife and her insane sister. They had once again, trapped him in his own mind with the thrice-damn imperius curse and the many compulsion charms that had been his father's, now his wifes, specialties.

Lucius couldn't help but curse the Marijuana he'd smoked to get his mind off his girl once he'd graduated (and she didn't). The damn drugs had rid him of all natural mental barriers!

He just thanked whatever deity that had granted his prayer for his bitch wife to become pregnant and birth a live 'heir'. The baby was a caustic reminder of the continuous rape he'd endured. Rape not only permitted but enforced by his own father. Lucius had every intention of disinheriting the child the MOMENT he could file for divorce from Narcissia. Probably wasn't even his...a simple paternity charm would confirm it.

To hide his inner turmoil, Lucius addressed the appropriately nic-named rodent man. "The address Wormtail," Lucius drawled in his imperius slurred tone. "The Fidelis charm can only be broken by providing at exact address or killing the castor" _which is extremely unlikely seeing as you said it was old man Dumbledore that cast it. Why the Potter's chose this idiot as their secret keeper I will NEVER understand._

"R-r-r-right," Wormtail stuttered. "The Potter's live in the Lion's Den, 165 Griffins Cresent."

Before their eyes a picturesque cottage appeared, the sound of a baby's cries could be heard from the open window along with its mother's sweet coos.

"Sssstay here my loyal ssservantsss," Voldemort hissed before moving toward the cottage, his dark robes billowing majestically around him.

Wormtail watched in awe as his master went to full his destiny. Even Lucius, through his imperius curse daze, admitted that the power pouring out of the old Snake was impressive and privately hoped that the Potter's had a backup plan.

Harry POV

Baby Hadrian had been watching the three darkly cloaked men that appeared on the other side of the street since they had arrived.

One he recognized, it was the icky rat-man that came around every so often. With the poopy-brown colour that sounded him constantly - not like the pretty pink (though often hidden by a sickly violet veil after tea time) of his mother or the vibrant orange that surrounded his Pa-foo (padfoot) - he really couldn't understand why his parents kept the rat-man around.

It had to be his daddy, as much as he didn't like to think it. His daddy had a happy yellow entwined with a pale gray colour glow; it wasn't the nicest of colours but was not the worst either. Harry loved his daddy but there were times when felt a little worried in his company. The point was, even with his daddy's guarantee, Harry still REALLY disliked Wormy.

The pretty white haired man seemed okay enough; his colours were a little disorienting. Harry could tell that the man's colours looked like the pretty water his mom showed him in pictures of sunny beaches (aquamarine blue), but for some reason it was tainted by two ugly dark shades. Maybe he'd tell his mom about it later...she could help the pretty man, she always helped him with his boo-boos after all.

Now the last man on the street was an entirely different matter. His colours were as horrendous as his visage, a meld of sick-up green, mud brown, blood red, and black that seemed to stretch in several directions. It was quite a monstrosity...the type of thing that Harry had nightmares about.

Harry shuddered and cried out in hopes of warning his mommy and daddy but his mother merely shush'd him and hummed a lullaby. The bad man was getting closer to the house and his mother ignoring his warning. Harry had no choice...he had to act! But what to do?

And then he saw it, his family's salvation (at least temporarily...enough to get his parents attention in any case). In front of the cottage were two brightly lit jack-o-lanterns that his mommy and daddy had carved earlier that day. At first mommy had argued that no one would see them so there was no point in it but daddy said it was a harmless tradition so she gave in.

With a small smirk and mischievous glint that the Potter's, had they seen it, would have laid directly on James' genetics (and possibly too much time with Sirius), Harry waved his hands making the pumpkins float slightly (not enough for anyone to notice). He then remembered his daddy dragging the icky bag outside like all the other daddies on the street once it had turned dark outside and placed his attention on the garbage cans already placed on the curb. Carefully, Harry used his magic to remove the lids from the cans and untied the bags so their bounty was loose. He pretended to cry to keep his mother where she was, in front of the window, where he could see what he was doing.

Voldemort POV

Voldemort was nearly giggling in glee as he moved towards the Potter house, keeping his cackling internal. He needed to ensure his presence appeared majestic to his followers and intimidating to his victims (or so he thought).

Everything was going according to plan; when Severus had showed up all those months ago with wild tales about prophecies Voldemort had been worried but now that the end of his supposed nemesis was near, he wondered what he had been so paranoid about in the first place. It was just a baby after all...while he didn't like the screaming little crap machines it wasn't like it could hurt him. No, as Voldemort confidently moved to the edge of the Fidelis barrier, he wasn't worried at all.

He should have been paying more attention.

Wormtail POV

Wormtail, aka Peter Pettigrew, was in awe. He was oh, so glad he had agreed to spy on his so-called friends and the Order for his master. The Dark Lord was so powerful, so rich, so terribly rewarding (he'd never had a woman before that muggle bitch the dark lord had given him during the revel where he had received his mark and torturing muggles did take the edge off his more violent fantasies). With the death of James and the subsequent blame falling on Sirius for the Potter's deaths Peter would be the number one Marauder (Lupin, being a werewolf, didn't count).

When the garbage cans and jack-o-lanterns on the street started levitating and slowly inching towards the Potter's cottage - and therefore the towards Dark Lord - Wormtail gapped and fell to his knees. Peter had never seen wandless magic to this extent before...so magical his lord was that it rendered him speechless.

Lucius POV

When things on the street started floating Lucius' first thought was what the hell was the Dark Lord thinking, wasting power on wandless magic to make himself appear powerful. He turned away from Wormtail, disgusted as the rodent fell to his knees in worship of Lord Moldyshorts.

It didn't take him long to realize that it was some else levitating the floating objects. Seeing as the Potter's were the only known wizarding family on this street, Lucius had no doubt that at least one of the Potter's knew they were there. He hoped it was Lily, the sweet red-headed witch he had secretly dated through his sixth and seventh (her fouth and fifth respectively) years at Hogwarts. At least with her at the helm maybe he would get a fair trial, and, perhaps, an expedient divorce if not a date.

Harry POV

His arsenal ready Harry waited for the perfect moment, his green eyes glowing with power. And then it happened...the ugly snake man (not that Harry had anything against snakes mind-you; he thought they were great conservationists) stepped through the bubble-like barrier Harry remembered a creepy old man had created a long time ago. It was time!

"ATTACK!" Harry yelled laughing, clapping his hands as things went according his plan.

Lily POV

'CRASH'

'BANG'

'SPLAT'

"AHHHGYYHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Harry? What in Merlins name?!"

Lily had spun around just in time to see every garbage can on Griffins Cresent empty their contents on Voldemort's head, starting with the one filled with Harry's dirty diapers followed by twenty others after which the actual bins clanked as, one by one, they dropped on top of the Dark Lord's head.

Voldemort looked absolutely furious, sort of like a toddler having a really bad tantrum. He was actually running in circles, waving his arms like a total loon. It sort of reminded her of that American television cartoon with the weird duck and the carrot munching rabbit.

Lily watched in fascinated horror as the pumpkin she had so painstakingly carved (not really as she was simply humoring James) joined the fray, plopping itself down on the Dark Lord's head. Meanwhile, the other pumpkins and a scarecrow (that somehow had become animated) attacked one of the figures across the street like starving dogs after a juicy bone. Lily instantly identified the pumpkins target as Peter Pettigrew.

The other figure, who looked to be her former beau, Lucius, wasn't being attacked by anything and frankly looked as though he were fighting something internally (Lily had certainly seen him brood enough during their time together in school, and easily recognized the look on his face).

Lily looked down at her giggling baby with a raised brow.

James - how on earth she had married the idiot she still couldn't figure out - ran to the front door to investigate, closing the door behind him.

"Did you do all that baby?" Lily asked her giggling son.

"Yep!"

James POV

"Voldemort!" James yelled from the porch, banishing his wand in a 'heroic' manner, taught to him by no other than his idol Professor Dumbledore. "How did you find us?! Nevermind, engarde!"

James jumped from the porch, his leading foot landing on one of many butterbeer bottles laying around.

'SPLAT'

Voldemort POV

When James Potter had left the relative safety of the cottage, Voldemort came back to his senses. He had expected a grand duel from the man who had defied him thrice before. He had it all worked out in his head, the exact spells that would need to be used to take down the creative mischief-making (talents used mostly against his Death Eaters) auror and his breathtakingly beautiful wife.

"WAHHHH"

'SPLAT'

'CRACK'

He really hadn't expected that.

Lily POV

Lily stood by the window watching as her idiot husband jumped off the porch, landing on a bottle before falling face first into a pile of garbage, breaking his neck.

"Harry, sweetness," Lily blinked as the effects of the potion that bound her to James wore off with his death. "I think your father has been up to no good...Probably on that perverted old man's orders."

The baby in her arms looked thoughtful for a moment before nodding. "Yep."

Harry POV

Harry watched as the icky violet that hid his mommy's pretty pink glow faded. As sad - and shocked - as Harry was at his daddy's really stupid death, Harry was more relieved that his mommy looked better.

BANG!

Harry's attention was pulled away from his mother as the front door was smashed open.

There Voldemort stood, huffing and puffing, wand clutched at his side.

Voldemort POV

Grinning insanely the Dark Lord pointed his wand at the unarmed woman and baby.

"And now," Voldemort chuckled madly, tossing aside the 'evil villian' speech he had so painstakingly worked on since learning of the prophecy. His mind was in too much shook and he stunk too badly to care about such things anymore. No, he had gone completely around the twist.

"Your time is at an end! Put the babe down girl and I will let you live...perhaps as my consort. You are very beautiful after all, and evidently, fertile...yes you can bare me children and be my queen. It will be a wonderful life we shall have. I will kill anything that annoys me, including all of the uppity mudbloods and those I classify as blood traitors and you will spend an eternity swollen with my children. I even know a ritual that will allow you to birth more than one st a time! Yes, so grand it shall be!"

Harry POV

Lily turned green at the thought of the creep in front of her touching her in anyway.

"NOT IF YOU WERE THE LAST MAN ON EARTH YOU SERPENTINE FACED FREAK!" Lily screamed turning away to cover Harry's body with her own.

"Very well!" Voldemort said cool. "Avada Keda-uggghh."

Lucius POV

Lucius watched as the Dark Lord gathered himself, before attempting to work his way through the giant heaps of garbage and pumpkin debris. He stopped long enough to kick James' body before falling over the same bottle as the idiot, landing on his back beside the corpse.

Lucius' eyes widened in disbelief. Could this be it? The end of the source of all his problems?! But no, he sighed resigned as he watched the Dark Bastard stand up and brush himself off with a huff...a butter beer bottle being the source of death to not one but two people on his shit list would have been too easy for the fates. At least Pettigrew was down for the count hanging been bludgeoned into unconsciousness by at least thirty pumpkins followed by a good hit by shovel whilding scarecrow.

Lucius struggled with the mental binds holding him in place as he watched the master he so very reluctantly served made is way towards the home of the only woman he had ever loved. It wasn't until the Dark Bastard had kicked down the cottage door (after so many attempts that he was breathing like an preteen asmathic at a horror show) that Lucius finally broke through the numerous imperius curses and compulsions that had been place on him.

Pulling his wand out if his custom pimp cane (yeah, he is sooooooo going to make Narcissia pay for _THAT_ compulsion...how he yearned for his flip-flops and board shorts) Lucius darted as fast as he could through the rumble, leaping over the stairs of the cottage porch and through the open entrance.

His eye widened at the scene he came upon.

Harry POV

While the bad man ranted about all the yucky things he was going to do to his mommy once he, Harry, was dead, Harry mentally scrambled for a plan.

Things were not going the way he had hoped. Daddy, as strange as he was, was supposed to be here to protect them. The garbage and pumpkins ought to have been a big enough distraction for someone, anyone, to get rid of the big meany for good.

Harry struggled to get his arms free and look over his mother's shoulder as the tip bad man's wand glowed a scary green colour.

Before the spell could leave the wand Harry did the only thing he could do...

Lucius POV

"Avada Keda-ugghh"

Lucius could only watch in shock, still too far away to do anything else, as the baby in Lily's arms somehow banished a dirty, stinky, crap filled diaper from the nearby change table into the the dark lords open mouth, effectively gagging him before he could finish the curse.

Harry POV

Harry watched as the Snake-man tugged at the diaper that was quite literally stuck to his have with one hand, gesturing wildly with his wand in the other.

Harry glared at the offending magical tool before making grabby hands at it.

"Wand!" Harry yelled, forcing the bad man's wand to zoom into his tiny baby hands.

Quickly, before mommy could turn around to see what the hold up was, Harry pointed the wand the bad man and though of what he wanted.

It was oh so funny for him, not so much for the snake-git.

Lucius POV

The scene he walked in on was something he would never forget...and to be honest with himself, something he never WANTED to forget. Decades later he would look back and still laugh at the hilarity of it all.

In the corner of the smallish room was Lily, jaw dropped, eyes bulging (though in a ridiculous cute way) at the scene holding a slightly glowing wand weilding baby in her arms.

On the other side of the room was the Dark Lord...who was floating upside down, his mouth gagged with a dirty diaper, antlers growing out of his head, covered in pink and purple polkadotted fur, dressed in what could by any terms be called a sparkling muggle ball gown. To add to all this he appeared to be slowly shrinking.

"Holy Shit!" Lucius burst before laughing hysterically.

Unfortunately shrinking the Dark Lord had the side effect of removing the diaper-gag from his mouth.

"Lucius!" Voldemort - now the size of a small pop can - screeched, his helium high voice making Lucius fall the floor laughing. "Stop that infernal racket and FIX ME!"

"Lily," Lucius gasped through his laughter. "Please tell me you have a wizarding camera!"

Lily - still in shock- nodded, gesturing to the mantel above the fireplace.

"Awesomeness!" Lucius grabbed the camera, checked for film - only three shots left - before taking the photos. One shot of the entire room with little Hadrian holding the Dark Lord's wand - which he had started twirlling for some reason - and the mini dark lord throwing yet another tantrum upside-down while doing fouettés. Another of the Dark Lord alone and the last of Peter Pettigrew who was still unconscious with the animated scarecrow standing guard).

"So..." Lucius turned to Lily, flicking a silencing charm at the Dark Idiot. Voldemort had resorted to death threats and swearing when he realized that Lucius wasn't going to help him. "What should we do with the little cockroach?"

"Well..." Lily cocked her head to the side in so adorable way of hers. "We could kill him or...I KNOW! Here hold Harry a sec would you?"

Suddenly he found his arms filled with a slightly glowing baby as Lily darted from the room in a rush. Exasperated Lucius maneuvered the boy to rest on his hip making sure Harry could say in sight of the now belly-dancing upside-down in mid-air Dark Lord. Creepy.

"So...how long do you think you can keep that up for?" Lucius asked the boy figuring he probably understood more that his parents realized considering the spells - or their approximations in any case - he had cast.

"Hmmm...a 'ile. Orebber iny and urry dough."

"Correct me if I am wrong little one but did you just say that the Dark Menace, the Supreme pain-in-my-ass, Mr. Snakey McSnake-Snake is forever the size of a nutcracker doll? And a furry one at that?"

"Uh-huh!"

 _Oh Shit, oh shit, oh f-ing bloody shit!_ "Lily!"

"What now?" Lily asked as she came back into the room carrying what looking to be an owl cage.

"According to your son, the shrinking spell he placed on the Dark Lord is, apparently, permanent."

"Oh phooy! That means I didn't need to cast all those unbreakable strengthening charms or the prison wards or the anti-suicide ward or the silencing field or the..."

"I get it Lily," Lucius said, touching his forefinger to her pouting lips to stop her rambling. "You essentially turned that owl cage into a portable mini-Azkaban minus the dementors. Let's just stuff the bastard in there, call for the aurors and figure out where we go from there yah? Plus I think Harry here is getting a little sleepy, aren't yah kiddo?"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!" Lily replied, using the capture and pull spell to direct the somehow still conscious and protesting Dark Lord into the cage, closing and locking it with more spells than Lucius cared to count.

"UT mommy, ean old an wripped daddy ith oot'ide! eepy old an mommy! eh eepy old an!"

"Looks like we'll be dealing with more than one dark lord tonight babe," Lucius sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as his head panged with all the possible scenarios and consequences of this particular revelation.

"Evidently," Lily said placing the caged dark lord - who was still furry with antlers dressed in a ball gown but appeared to be at least content that he was no longer dancing or floating upside-down - on the coffee table before flopping onto the couch. "How bout we leave it for now...and deal with the old ass-hole later. We need to call the aurors first."

"Good idea."

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Review if you love it! I certainly do lol!


	2. Authors note

I will be posting the sequel to this story soon (like in an hour or so). Its called **_The Aftermath_**. Hope you enjoy and remember to review.

Thanks for reading part one of my trilogy

-Era


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